Doxie Proxy

Same

I’ve just come back from several days with family in another state. The “hearthstone” of my life, I suppose you could call it. Someone I love is ill. She’s been sick off and on for a long time, and it’s exacerbated some traits I hadn’t really given much thought to before.

I started to write about all she’s done for me, but suffice it to say she’s been there for me, a lot. My grown-up self can now look back and say I’ve been there for her a lot, too, and as of this week, we’re even. Maybe forever.

My mother hugged her and cried, asking forgiveness for something every single one of us agree she should have and HAD to do, and this particular relative didn’t so much as twitch. My mother. Cried. And this… God, how I pause at this point. Do I say angry? Bitter? Hateful? When at the same time, my heart tells me she’s a loving person, and I know this because her life has been about helping wounded people. Nonetheless, she didn’t acknowledge how much pain my mother was in, and how she was practically begging for forgiveness over this imagined sin, and that, to coin a Southern phrase, just FLEW ALL OVER ME. (I don’t care where the phrase originated from; the South’s where I grew up hearing it.)

My mom stepped out of the room and I let loose with both barrels. God, I was so furious that I was shaking, and I could feel the flushing starting on my chest and going all the way up to my temples. I blasted her with this great righteous indignation, full of thunder that my beloved mom had been hurt.

I spent the night tossing and turning. At 3am I was looking at the clock, saying “God, what did I do? What did I do? How could I say that?” I haven’t seen her since, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. A big part of me says that I’m done, completely. She’s been hateful and horrible and bitter and beyond the most nightmarish of people that you could ever want to be around, and right now I feel like a gigantic ass, because I could have been more compassionate. Damn it. I could never, ever hate her, and will always love her, but right now.. I don’t think we like each other very much.

(Note to self: No, really, jackass?)

There’s no contest between my mother and any other female in this world. None. I love her with every fiber of my being, and will do everything I can to protect her from harm. I am so blessed. So very blessed.

It will probably not last long, but there is a tiny spark of hope within me.

I am 5 days late.

Please, God. Please.

Tags: family, vacation

40 questions. (Plus a few)

(Shamelessly borrowed from Jason at negroplease.com, after he borrowed it from the wonderfully talented amandarin.net. )

1) Was 2008 a good year for you? Yes. Much better than years past.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? My husband cooking hamburgers for me one night. It was just sorta special, and it makes me smile.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? Of this year? Osama. For the next 4 years? Osama.

5) Who were you with? My husband.

6) Where will you be when 2008 ends? At home.

7) Who will you be with when 2008 ends? My wonderful husband.

8. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008? One, yes. It’s private, but important, and I’m proud of keeping my word to myself. The others? Nope. I was a slacker. I continue to be a slacker.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2008? Not many, but I will have to think about this.

• Sleep more. Seriously.
• Treat my eyes and teeth better.
• Continue with the exercise regime (if I live through the pain). (Just kidding. Story for another day.)
• STOP volunteering to be on friggin’ committees, groups and boards. WTH is wrong with you?
• Take my prescriptions every single day.
• If I don’t love it, need it, use it and want it, get rid of it. (I don’t foresee trouble with this one.)
• Go to A’s church.
• Reconnect with God.
• Write more often, or at least recognize when I need to put things down on paper or pixel.
• Forgive easier, don’t hold grudges as long, and try to get past ridiculous things.
• Don’t argue over stupid, STUPID things. What are you, 12?
• Be more humble. You are God’s gift to yourself, and to God, and that’s about it. (generally speaking)

10) Did you fall in love in 2008? No, but I stayed in love, which was wonderful.

11) If yes, with whom? The Mister, AKA my husband of 8 years.

12) If yes, do they know? Hah! He better. As he likes to say, “I have papers!”

13) Are you still in love with them? More, with every single breath.

14) Do you regret it? No

15) Did you break up with anyone in 2008? No

16) Did you make any new friends in 2008? Yes, several.

17) Who are your favorite new friends? S, a beautiful, funny lady with a great smile, P, a precious, inspiring lady who never fails to make me smile, J, a cute, sweet lady with loves to laugh at herself, and several others online.

18) What was your favorite month of 2008? July. Old job went bye-bye, and new one came into view.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2008? No

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2008? Georgia.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2008? No. I just missed PaPaw. A lot.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Yes, terribly.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2008? Several! Iron Man, Wanted, Jumper, Hancock, Twilight, Sex and the City, Mamma Mia, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Bolt and Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

24) What was your favorite song from 2008? Anything by Jennifer Hudson. I think she’s wonderful.

25) What was your favorite record from 2008? Soundtrack to Mamma Mia, and to Music & Lyrics, which I just discovered this year.

26) Did you see any concerts this year? Mindless Indulgence

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2008? Mindless Indulgence

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008? No, but I had a few dirty martinis. Nummy.

29) Did you do a lot of (not counting alcohol) drugs in 2008? No, not at all. People who do drugs (including pot) are idiots. I’ve helped put too many of the potheads back together after they smeared themselves along a stretch of highway, and it’s heartbreaking and depressing, and makes me very angry. Too many times, I’ve had to tell a sobbing, hysterical parent or spouse that their beloved family member is dead, or will be needing diaper changes for the rest of their life because of drugs, or have to tag and bag a ridiculously young girl who ought to be home shaving her legs and painting her toenails, and nothing anyone says will ever change my mind. So, yeah. I think they are idiots.

30) Did you hope for something you didn’t get in 2008? Yes, but I’m still hoping. It’ll happen. Or it won’t. Either way, I’ll be fine.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Yes.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2008? “It’s fine.” I say this off and on, when really, it isn’t fine at ALL.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you? Don’t get me started.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2008? Probably, as I’m human, but specifically, no. I really hope I didn’t.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2008? Yes. Out-of-state management that made life miserable for a slew of people. I am so, so glad to be away from the few that made my job miserable!

36) How much money did you spend in 2008? More than I should have, but took out no loans, credit owed is less than $400 (total), and contributed steadily to savings.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2008? Last night, at the Christmas party. It made my night, and my year. I’ll write about it later.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008? I don’t recall a specific one.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be? Oh, there’s not just one moment I could pick. I’d change every single time I yelled or was unkind or sarcastic.

40) What are your plans for 2008? To be safe. To feel safe.

(A few questions of my own)

41) What was the nicest thing you were told in 2008? “Have you had one of these? Because you MUST try them! They are the best things I’ve ever had in my life!” To which I replied, “These?” “These things right here?” “Hee! Thank you! I made them!”

42) What was the worst movie you saw in 2008? Pineapple Express. Juno.

43) What was the worst song you heard in 2008? Too many to count. If it’s sung by someone wearing a “grill”, who wears the crotch of their pants betwixt their knees, and doffs a baseball hat so that it stands, erect, 6 inches off of their head, replete with the price tag, chances are very good I think whatever tune they attempted to gargle out was fairly vile.

44) What was the best overall book you read in 2008? The Twilight series, and The Host.

45) What was the worst book you read in 2008? I’ll have to think on this one. I believe it was called Sunshine.

46) What was the last book you read in 2008? Currently reading several. The most recent one finished was Weapon of Flesh, by a great fellow I met at DragonCon. I am at a loss for his name!

Blog Action Day 2008

Kiva is a website dedicated to connecting people through lending for the sake of alleviating poverty. Their words, not mine, and what powerful words they are.

They allow people like you and I to work together in loaning money to the working poor in developing countries. Loans are built up a fraction at a time, by people donating as little as $25 at a time. Little by little, the money is raised, and the person is helped. The recipient pays back the loan on a set timeline (e.g. 3 months), and your money is repaid. You can choose to take the money back, or donate it to someone else’s loan. What a beautifully simple idea, which can have such an enormous impact on someone else’s life.

Some friends and I are donating money to Idalia Hererra Gomez and her husband Sergio. Their story and photo speak to me. Not in a cheesy way, but in a “Wow, these are real people, and I could actually do something to help them build a room for their child” kinda way. It’s awesome, in the original sense of the word.

Kiva.org.

Well done.

Dragons and Cardinals

Ah, the blissful frenzy of vacation.

We arrived in Atlanta (right outside, actually) yesterday, and enjoyed a quiet, enjoyable night with loved ones. I love the South, with all of its manners, Godawful humidity and moseying madness.

This afternoon, we headed to Atlanta proper to pick up our convention badges. The line stretched around three sides of the Hyatt, and it was delightful to see so many different kinds of people coming together in the common love of Geekdom. I loved it! The line moved forward at a relatively steady clip, and about and hour and a half later, we had our shiny new Dragon*Con badges, Pocket Program and Guidebook.

The best part? The guidebook has an excerpt from the beginning of Swallowing Darkness, the new Laurell K. Hamilton book in her wonderful Merry Gentry series. I. Can’t. Wait!  I was practically dancing in my seat on the way home, and kept shushing Mister so I could read in peace. It’s going to be a great book, and I can’t believe I am actually going to meet her! Or see her, whatever! I’m going to be in the same room with Laurell K. Hamilton!

<insert squeal of pure joy>

I could go on and on in the same vein (Vampire pun!) about Rachel Caine and Jackie Kessler, because I’m disgustingly thrilled to be getting to see them, as well. I can’t wait. Have I mentioned that I can’t wait?

Back at the house, I watched the sun set, and walked through dew-laden, freshly cut grass. It was magic. A stone cardinal stood watch over a tiny moat, and all was right with the world.

Dusk in Georgia

Tags: Dragon*Con, photos, vacation

40 Questions (plus a few)

(Shamelessly borrowed from Jason at negroplease.com, after he borrowed it from the wonderfully talented amandarin.net. )

1) Was 2005 a good year for you? Yes. A great one.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? Visiting the Americana winery in New York with a dear friend. It was a quiet, windy day in April, and the only ones there were my friend, the girl behind the counter, me, and this great, huge dog. We tasted so many different wines, snacked on this divine fudge, and it was just a magical afternoon. New York is a beautiful state, replete with magnificent scenery, funny, friendly, talented people, and great food. This is coming from someone born in the lower right corner of the country, so I mean it, y’all.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? The day I was told my best friend had a 30% chance to live.

5) Who were you with? His mother and his brother.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? At my mom and dad’s home, most likely, since that’s where I am right now, and 2006 will start in a little over 20 minutes.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends? My perfect parents and 2 incredibly spoiled Australian shepherds.

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? My resolutions were:

I want to be kinder, calmer and more patient. I want to be quicker to tolerate and accept, and slower to judge and criticize. I want to see a whale breach, walk in the moonlight with my husband, and to listen more while talking less.

I was not kinder or more patient, though I was calmer at times..I think. I was probably even less tolerant, (we won’t go into the judgemental bit), didn’t see the whale, but I did walk in the moonlight with my husband. I tried to listen more while talking less, but I honestly don’t think that happened, either. Oi. I suck.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006? I have several, and am trying something new this year. I want to be a better person, yada yada, have more patience, blah blah, etc. etc. ad nauseum, but I also want to try for things that are, for the most part, measureable. Hence, these:- Reduce my possessions. I’m very good at ruthlessly tossing stuff out, but have been a real slacker about it lately. I’m tired of being surrounded by things that just take up space & bring nothing good into my life.

- Take better care of my teeth and skin. Don’t fall asleep with mascara on, and floss!

- This goes along with #1, but whittle down my clothes to key pieces that can complement several outfits.

- Buy good quality, attractive, classy, comfortable shoes (several pair), and wear them. I’m awful about wearing a favorite pair of shoes right into the ground.

- Get more sleep. 4-6hrs/night is ridiculous, and I know better.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005? No, but I stayed in love, which was wonderful.

11) If yes, with whom? The Mister, AKA my husband of 5 years.

12) If yes, do they know? Hah! He better. As he likes to say, “I have papers!”

13) Are you still in love with them? More, with every single breath.

14) Do you regret it? No

15) Did you break up with anyone in 2005? No

- Insert intermission. It’s 7 minutes til midnight, and the dogs are going crazy because of the fireworks. Did you know two 65lb dogs can fit in one lap whilst sitting on a computer chair? Me neither.

Happy New Year!

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? Yes, several.

17) Who are your favorite new friends? C, this amazing, funny, precious lady at work, V, this brilliant, beautiful, funny lady at work, and R x 2, the respective husbands of 2 great ladies at work. (This is only re: new friends.)

18) What was your favorite month of 2005? April (See #2)

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? No

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? Georgia, Indiana, North Carolina, Mississippi and New York, so 5. However, I traveled through a kazillion.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? I lost 2 wonderful loved ones that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. My beloved Aunt G, and the wonderful Uncle H.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Yes, terribly.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? The Wedding Date, because before that movie I wasn’t all that impressed with Dermot Mulroney, but in the movie, there’s this part where he presses Debra Messing back against the car, just with the tips of his fingers, and speaks softly to her, and oh my Lawd, it was a revelation. Ooh! Add Unleashed to the list. That movie was brilliant. Oh, and Transporter 2. Ok, I’ll shut up now. I liked Hitch, too, and Mr. and Mrs. Smith, though Angelina can hug a root for being with Brad now.

24) What was your favorite song from 2005? True, by Ryan Cabrera (at least I *think* that’s from this past year)

25) What was your favorite record from 2005? I don’t have one. I did, however, recently purchase the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack (from the *real* movie, the Zeffirelli version, not that Leonardo DiCrapio one), and am IN LOVE with it! It’s the actual soundtrack too, as in the actual words spoken, not just the one song. Wow, is it still moving and mesmerizing, even after seeing it at least 50 times. “and I… for winking at your discords, too… have lost… a brace of kinsman.” *sigh*

26) Did you see any concerts this year? No, but a harpist’s solo made me cry.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? N/A

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? No. I got pretty tipsy in January, and went into SVT, so, no.. there wasn’t a lot of ETOH consumption throughout the year. Best drink I did have, though? Appletini. Nummy.

29) Did you do a lot of (not counting alcohol) drugs in 2005? Heck, no. Not a lot, not a little, nor any amount in between.

30) Did you hope for something you didn’t get in 2005? Yes, but I’m still hoping. It’ll happen. Or it won’t. Either way, I’ll be fine.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Yes. What, like I’m going to actually write it out?

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2005? “I’m sure he’s a good man, because you’re a great person, and you wouldn’t be with anyone that didn’t have many good qualities”. The truth, madam, is that he’s an ass, and something must be intrinsically defunct in your personality to stay with such a bottom-dwelling moron.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you? “I promise I’ll keep in touch. I promise I’ll call, or write, AIM, or email so that you don’t worry constantly that I have died.” The reason this lie is so terrible, is because they really could die, and I may or may not find out.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? Probably, as I’m human, but specifically, no. I really hope I didn’t.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Yes, but not out of malice.

36) How much money did you spend in 2005? Hoo-boy. Let’s just say ‘more than I saved’. Example: The $58 order I’m awaiting from Lush.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? There were many. I was blessed.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Let me get back to you on that. I need to consult Mister, as I’m sure he can recall one in detail. (Hehe..you keep thinking that.)

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? I’d have kept my mouth shut that day.

40) What are your plans for 2006? I’d like to do and be better. Vague? Yes.

(A few questions of my own)

41) What was the nicest thing you were told in 2005? As I was hugging my boss goodbye on my last day at my former position, she whispered “You are a treasure“. I will never, ever forget this, or forget her. Have you ever actually loved a boss? I did. I still do.

42) What was the worst movie you saw in 2005? There were several bad ones. Must I choose just one? White Noise, Boogeyman, The Island, The Brothers Grimm and Corpse Bride (oh, how this movie sucked).

43) What was the worst song you heard in 2005? I’s a safe bet that it’s a tie between A) Hollaback Girl, B) that “my humps, my lumps, stuff in the trunk, or WTF-ever it is” song, C) anything sung by someone moronic enough to attach diamonds or platinum to their teeth, and D) anything that remotely references busting a cap in someone’s ass. I also hate anything where someone screams like their testes are being peeled with a potato peeler, and you can’t understand a single syllable. I miss the 80’s.

44) What was the best overall book you read in 2005? The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger (I have to add that the funniest book I read was You Slay Me, by Katie MacAlister. Hysterical, laugh-out-loud funny, even.)

45) What was the worst book you read in 2005? The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, by Carson McCullers. Yeah, it’s a classic, blah blah yada yada. It sucked so, so bad - and if the dork in one of my book clubs went on and on one more time about all the “like, symbolism” in the book, I was going to stick a fork in my eyeball.

46) What was the last book you read in 2005? A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey Let me save you the trouble, and sum it up for ya: Do drugs, throw up, black out, have massive dental work done sans pain-killers or anesthesia, throw up, black out, therapy session, throw up, black out, therapy session, throw up, meet girl, throw up, therapy, hug mom, hug dad, throw up, leave rehab. The end.

Light…

At the end of the tunnel. Maybe.

Be warned, this is very convoluted and probably confusing because I’m seriously giddy with disbelief and joy.

God, please let this work out. I have told no one - NO ONE at all (not even my husband) but I was offered a job this morning, pending background check, drug screen and reference check. I applied at this huge company a little over a month ago. I’ve wanted to work there for a few years now, but either I didn’t think to check the openings or when I did check, there were none. I emailed my resume around 0500 one morning, and I rec’d a call at noon that same day, asking me to come in and fill out an application and to do a first interview. I happily made an appointment for 3 days later and hung up. The very next morning, I get a call from a second recruiter (with same company) asking me to come in and do the same for a second position that’s open. I explained to her about recruiter #1, and she said she’d keep in touch with the first recruiter, and if the first job didn’t pan out, then she’d be calling me for the second one. Apparently you can only be considered for one job at a time. No biggie. I go in, fill out an enormous application (SEVENTEEN pages long, seriously), sign my freaking life away, agree to be investigated from yip to yang, do a short first interview whereupon I find out the job pays a good bit more per year than I currently make. . They explain (which I knew upon coming in) that positions are first offered to current employees, and there is a chance that this will happen with the job. Gotcha. A week later, I find out that that very thing had happened, but there is another opening for the same job, but the manager for that one is in the process of changing offices/buildings, and is not doing second interviews just yet, but I am still being considered. No probs. A tad disappointing, but I’m fine. A week later recruiter #1 calls me back and says that they are still not interviewing for job#1, but there is another opening (job#3 - job#2 was with recruiter #2) and they would like for me to come in for that one if I am interested. Again with the “Oh hell yes.” I go in, sit through a seriously insufferable interview until it gets time for me to ask questions, and I find out some very interesting things about the company. I’m allowed to go around and talk with current employees of the team I’ll be on, and almost without fail, people are quite content with their job. 2 persons flat-out said that that would be retiring with this company, because that’s how much they like it. I’ve worked with others in this department in the job I’m currently at (I work on an as-needed basis for corporations of a sort) and they also professed to be happy with what they do. I have to admit to being very impressed. The field I’m in currently is very draining, physically and emotionally, and I have immense responsibility for people’s lives, but not nearly the authority to go along with it. It sucks, to put it plainly, and I’ve dreamed (DREAMED) of getting the hell out, but at the same time I worked so incredibly hard to obtain my degree, and I’ve been in this profession for over a decade. Surely it wasn’t all for naught? Anyway, cutting to the chase, I was called and offered the position #3 today (3 hours before an interview for position #1, as they thought no offer was forthcoming for #3, LOL) and it’s a great big raise! I haven’t told anyone because I’m nervous as hell about the all the checking. No, I’m not a criminal, and my references should check out solidly (I’ve been with the same company since 1997, and in that time rec’d great feedback and ridiculous (in a good way) raises for doing the exact same job), and of course the drug screen will come back fine (going to get that done today), but at the same time… I can’t believe it’s coming together. I wanted so badly to just tell the people interviewing me “If you’ll just give me a chance, I can do this job. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll come in on time, stay until it’s done, and do my duties competently and efficiently.”

Please let it work out. Please. The benefits are incredible (especially compared to the benefits I currently carry, with the company entitled Jack and Schitt) and there’s a gym I can use, and I can set up a savings account and a 401K, and I can have more money taken out for taxes (I’ll owe from current job), and I can actually sleep at night with my husband instead of sleeping during the day, being woken up by the phone, and never being able to do errands on a worknight, and I can set up automatic payments, and have direct deposit, and I can get my teeth cleaned and new glasses, and can get this pain in my side checked out again, and if it all works out, I’ll have benefits by the time my thyroid labwork is due, and God, it’s just so wonderful to think about. Thank you Lord. Thank you so much. Please, please let this work out for me. I’m just scared that my bubble will burst. Please let me have this chance. We’ve been through so much.

Tags: happiness, job, life

Why? Why do I bother with confirmations?

Tags: karma, rants

Feeling safe.

Tags: karma, life, money