Doxie Proxy

Loss.

My friend died a few days ago. She was sweet and kind and good, and I can’t imagine this world without her.

I miss you, B.

Everyone says she took her own life by overdosing, but I just don’t understand. I know she had a history of depression, and will never, ever blame her for choosing that end, if she did in fact go that route. I know depression can black out every other person and choice in your life, and make you feel as if there’s only one way through the pain.

God, B.

Damn it, here come the tears again.

Honey, I can still see your face the last time I saw you. It was only two weeks ago. Your expression was so sweet and open, and like always, you seemed genuinely concerned about me and Mister. You even asked about Abigail.

How… why..? I can’t even..I don’t know what to ask or what to think. How can you not be in this world anymore? Where are you?

How come there are so many vile, hateful, horrible, vicious people walking about out there, but you, who has been nothing but precious in the five years I’ve known you, are not? How can that be right? How can that be…at all?

I miss you, B. It’s not right. It’s just not right.

I will never forget your soft, sing-song voice, or the way you kept your temper and showed patience with some of the persons you had to deal with.

This is not coming out right, but all I know is that I miss you so much, and I hope you know that. I love you, girlfriend, and I would give much just to hug you one more time.

You and Crystal keep the peace up there, OK?

Love you. Miss you.

This picture makes me smile.

Labor Day

I can’t even make a joke at how un-funny the title of this post is. Just going to let it pass.

Visiting my wonderful, wonderful parents for a few days. God, I’ve missed them so much. Between the transmission fiasco and the general economic state of affairs, I don’t think I’ve seen them in 6 months. For me, that’s a lifetime. I said something about this to an acquaintance the other day, and they replied “I haven’t seen my father in 4 years.” You know what? That’s not my problem, Poindexter, and I -hate- people who do things like this. You say something, and they just have to one-up you. Thankfully, I tend to call people on it very quickly. If I say I have an issue, and they reply with “Well, just be glad you don’t have…..[insert dorky comment about their head popping off their neck and rolling down the @#$!@# hill.]” (Aside: I have no idea how to punctuate the end of the prior sentence.) I tend to turn to these people and be very pointed about how their issue or history of Serious_Ailment_01 doesn’t change a dang thing about my situation, and that their pain doesn’t make my pain any less.

I’m in such a pissy mood, and yes, I admit it. Right now, I own the heck out of it, and am only feeling a little bad about flinging the ridiculous ‘eff’ words. (Edit: changed ‘eff’ words to something less ‘eff-y’, but which gets my point across. I know, I know. Who cares? I do.) Trust that I am thinking and saying the real deal, but would like to… ‘appear’… (insert raucous belly-laughs) more ladylike. Yar. Right.

I’m heading back home tomorrow - back to the wonderful and lovely dogs, the petulant cat and my dear husband, whom I miss more than I can say. It was his choice to stay home whilst I visited, but still, I miss him much. (Oi. Did I just channel Miss Jackson, c. 1989? Why, yes! Yes, I did!)

Things that have made me happy during my visit:

• Watching my mom and dad fawn over their Yorkie. He’s a character, and he makes them very happy.
• Hearing the rumble of thunder and rain while shopping for veggies at Kroger. I love the sound effects that play when they mist the vegetables.
• Watching a small child point and smack-talk the animated Halloween statue at BJ’s. It was honest-to-goodness little kid smacktalk, not punk-thug-wanna-be talk. Very amusing.
• Filming my dad setting up the grill and cooking our steaks, so I could do it exactly like he does.
• Logging in to WoW and finding that the idiot I reported had to change his guild name. (It was “S@pped Girls Cant Say N0″, which is equivalent to snickering about date r@pe. If you play the game, you get it. If you don’t, well, you don’t. I don’t find abuse or violation of any kind, to any person, funny.
• Just spending time with my mom and dad. They are perfect for me, and I know they are a gift from God.
• Seeing on the news that many parents did not want their children to be forced to watch BHO’s school address. Hah!
• Picking up a slab-o-brie at BJ’s, on manager special for $1.99, then going back today to find it priced at $6.49. Nummy!
• Reading through The Tightwad Gazette I, II and III books. Very interesting.
• Giving my mom a pedicure, and inadvertently tickling her.
• Watching Ghost Whisperer with my dad, and having a discussion about ghosts. He’s such a card. I love him!
• Cooking breakfast with my mom. She’s the best, ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ad infinitum.

Sigh. I must needs drive home tomorrow (today). I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be gone, but it’s worth a long drive in order to see my dear ones.

Reactivated Facebook. I’m not going to stop being happy for others, even though I’m unhappy for myself. Man, that’s easier said that done, but I’m determined.

Old hands. How I love them.

All of my life, I’ve loved old hands. Soft and wrinkled, sometimes gnarled, sometimes unsteady, but always a testament to life.