Doxie Proxy

40 Questions (plus a few). 2009 version.

1) Was 2009 a good year for you? No.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? Singing 50’s songs with my dad, while riding through the Georgia countryside in his big ol’ pickup truck.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? My phone call with someone I wish very, very bad things upon.

5) Who were you with? I was alone.

6) Where will you be when 2009 ends? At home.

7) Who will you be with when 2009 ends? My wonderful husband.

8. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009? One of them, yes. I have stopped volunteering to help with committees and things of that nature. Don’t ask me to help, and don’t ask me for money, because my days of giving a rat’s red arse are OVER. Sh’naynay, or whatever your idiotic name is, it gave me great pleasure to find that you were as miserable as you made me, and I hope that you get all the joy in life you deserve, and hopefully by people judging you without knowing a damn thing about you.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2009?

• Survive.

10) Did you fall in love in 2009? No, but I stayed in love, which was wonderful.

11) If yes, with whom? The Mister, AKA my husband of many years.

12) If yes, do they know? Hah! He better. As he likes to say, “I have papers!”

13) Are you still in love with them? More, with every single breath.

14) Do you regret it? No

15) Did you break up with anyone in 2009? No

16) Did you make any new friends in 2009? Yes.

17) Who are your favorite new friends? A sweet lady in Georgia.

18) What was your favorite month of 2009? I didn’t have one. They all pretty much sucked.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2009? No

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2009? Georgia.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2009? Yes. B. I can’t believe you’re gone.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Yes, terribly.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009? New Moon

24) What was your favorite song from 2009? Running Away, by Midnight Hour.

25) What was your favorite record from 2009? Soundtrack to Doctor Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

26) Did you see any concerts this year? No.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2009? N/A

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009? No, but I had a few dirty martinis. Nummy.

29) Did you do a lot of (not counting alcohol) drugs in 2008? No, not at all. People who do drugs (including pot) are idiots. I’ve helped put too many of the potheads back together after they smeared themselves along a stretch of highway, and it’s heartbreaking and depressing, and makes me very angry. Too many times, I’ve had to tell a sobbing, hysterical parent or spouse that their beloved family member is dead, or will be needing diaper changes for the rest of their life because of drugs, or have to tag and bag a ridiculously young girl who ought to be home shaving her legs and painting her toenails, and nothing anyone says will ever change my mind. So, yeah. I think they are idiots.

30) Did you hope for something you didn’t get in 2009? Yes, but I’m still hoping. It’ll happen. Or it won’t. Either way, I’ll be fine.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Yes. I snapped at my mom, because I’m an idiot who doesn’t deserve my perfect mother. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? She’s wonderful, and I’m an ass. Grrrr.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2009? Every time I’ve asked about the well-being of certain individuals, it was a lie, because I don’t care, and I never have. I’d rather not hear a word about these folks ever again.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you? It’ll be $300. No, I’m sorry, it’ll be $976. Doh! I meant $410. Oops, my bad, it’s actually $842.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2009? Yes.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2009? Yes, very much so.

36) How much money did you spend in 2009? Enough.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2009? HAH! When the idiot who flew past me and flipped me off was in turn immediately pulled over by a cop.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009? I don’t remember one in particular.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be? I’d take back every time I yelled or was unkind or sarcastic, and I’d HANG UP on the gigantic flaming idiot before the phone call even began, and I’d tell Sh’quaniakita (whatever) to get bent. And…I’d never cry. Ever.

40) What are your plans for 2009? To survive.

(A few questions of my own)

41) What was the nicest thing you were told in 2009? I love you.

42) What was the worst movie you saw in 2009? Bliss. (via Netflix)

43) What was the worst song you heard in 2009? Too many to count. If it’s sung by someone wearing a “grill”, who wears the crotch of their pants betwixt their knees, and doffs a baseball hat so that it stands, erect, 6 inches off of their head, replete with the price tag, chances are very good I think whatever tune they attempted to gargle out was fairly vile. (If you’re playing bluegrass fiddle or screeching/screaming out lyrics, chances are I hate your song, too.)

44) What was the best overall book you read in 2009? Hmm, too many to name. I’ll get back to this.

45) What was the worst book you read in 2009? Deep Storm

46) What was the last book you read in 2009? Currently reading several. Hush, Hush, Masquerade, Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, and several others. Will get back to this. Maybe.

The Call.

I made the call this afternoon, and - after nearly two weeks of preparation, by way of the gathering of over 100 documents, many hours of research, multiple lists, a spreadsheet and countless lost hours of sleep, the conversation lasted less than 10 minutes, during which the employee of this enormous government bureaucracy was more kind, considerate and apologetic than I could have ever hoped for, she helped me finally, finally take the next step toward getting an enormous mess (all of which is my fault) taken care of. She said several times that she was very sorry for the way her company had handled my affairs for the last 6 months, when the records clearly show that I’ve been trying to work my way through this, and got lost in the cracks. God, thank you, because surely You had a hand in this. Thank you for the kind, wonderful, caring, sensitive and funny woman you put in my path today, because she took my hand and led me to a better place.

I think I can sleep now. I think I can take a deep breath without feeling the weight of the world on my chest and shoulders, and I think I can stop worrying that every day will bring a new attack of SVT that I can’t handle, and there will be yet another trip to the ER, and more missed work, and more…panic attacks. Because if I’m honest with myself, I know that’s what they are.

No more. Everything in my life is not perfect, but it’s a damn sight better now, and for that, I am grateful beyond measure.

Thank you, God. I’ve taken the first steps to the way out of this nightmare, and I can finally tell myself that it will actually end, and I can actually put it behind me, and I will never, never, NEVER, NEVER, EVER let this happen again.

To sleep, perchance to dream.

I can actually sleep.

I can breathe.

I can hope.

<3

Blue.

I have what Mister and I call the Blues. It’s a polite euphemism (in my usage, anyway) for when I’m feeling horribly anxious or just feeling beat-down with depression. Right now, I can feel myself slipping into ‘Oh-my-God, what am I going to do, I’m such a screw-up, I can’t deal with this’ mode, and I can’t stop it. My heart starts to beat faster, and I begin to obsess about every bad thing that can happen to me.

And.. I’m an idiot for thinking that by writing about it, by getting it all out, that I’d feel better, which I don’t. I have a deadline in 8 days, and I’m scared witless. I can’t fight these people, and they are heartless bastards, every one of them. I hate them with the fire of a thousand hells, and I wish all manner of bad things on them. I wish for horrible things that I can’t write down, but God, do I wish. Probably right along with several million of my fellow citizens. God, help me, but this is my fault, and I wish I could go back in time and make it right, or that I knew what I know now.

God, please give me the right words, and the right knowledge, and let me be calm when I face this person, and please, please let me be OK with whatever is decided. I’m so scared that we’re not going to be OK, and honestly, God, I can’t see myself making it if we’re not OK. I’m not suicidal, as I’ve said before, but I really don’t want to be alert and oriented if things go down the toilet.

That sounds so awful, and I can just see people scouring through every vowel of this incredibly obscure journal and trying to wrench meaning from each phrase, when it just is what it is. I’m upset. I’m depressed. I’m scared as hell. I feel like a great big eff-up, and I feel like I wasted my life, my education and my intellect, and all I have accomplished is to love Mister and be loved by him. (Family doesn’t count. Mine’s awesome, and they were awesome long before I came around, and I don’t make them awesome; they just are.)

Please. Please stop this awful scared feeling. It’s horrible, and I just ONCE, just ONCE would like to BE AT PEACE. Just ONCE! I’d like to just be able to … be still and know that He is God, and just that; nothing else.

I’d like to not worry, and not feel unsafe, and feel OK, for ONCE, because you know, it’s always something. If it’s not money or bills or taxes or retirement or savings, it’s my heart, or my bloodwork, or a 21-day migraine, or multiple doctor visits or cramps that start at my axillae and end at my knees, or it’s my precious, precious dogs who get older every day, and Taz is arthritic, and I’m scared he’s going to die, or it’s Abigail, who’s relapsed so many times, and what if she doesn’t get better next time, because I can’t afford another $1k myelogram and my God, her medicine just gets more and more expensive, and she has to have it, because I’d go without before I’d let her become ill again, and my God, what if I have to make that choice?

….

It’s just everything. I worry, and I’m scared about everything. What if I lose my parents? What if lose my mom? my dad? What if I lose them both? How will I handle that? How will it ever be OK again? My grandmother? Oh my God, what am I going to do without her? And Mister? what if something happens to him? How can I go on without him? And what about when we get old? I’ll be so much worse than I am now.

It’s just one thing after another.

Stop it, mind. Stop.

God, fix me. Please. Really.