Doxie Proxy

Sad.

I’ve cried twice today, and both times, I told myself it was due to a specific reason (the recent death of my friend, then later over a painful memory), but if I’m honest with myself, it’s been because of a melange of things.

I’m in my thirties, and I feel like a complete failure. The only good thing I have to show for my efforts in life has been to fall in love, and thankfully be loved back by a good man.

My degree is crap compared to what I could have accomplished. I was smart. I could have done so much better..gone so much farther. Or further. Whatever.

Someone I love said something incredibly, unbelievably hurtful a long time ago, and I swear, though it’s always been in the back of my mind, I’ve never truly reacted until tonight. This is YEARS ago. As in 18 years ago, and tonight it broke my heart. Why would they say that? Is that what they truly thought of me? Do they still? Am I that kind of person? I can’t go to this person now and blast them about what was said - I just can’t. Yeah, in a perfect world, I could absolutely march up to them and just let it all out, but when I say I can’t, I mean I will not, because…well, because I won’t.

At work, I agree to help with things that are just way above my head, and I worry constantly, every day, all the time, that I’m going to screw up and someone’s going to find out what an idiot I really am. I’m helping with an enormous project, and am responsible for some detailed documents being created and sent to folks way, way above my paygrade, and I am agonizing over every.single.letter on these docs, and when they are finally, blessedly done (for the week - it is ongoing), I am more thankful than I can begin to express, but I swear I feel like I just barely made it. I worry, and worry, and I dream about this stuff, for God’s sake. I know you can’t spend your life thinking “What if?” - but I DO. All the time. Every single day.

I don’t take care of my health like I should, and I hate it. I know better. I’m trained to know better. I resent every single pill I have to take, and I’m angry every day about it. All but one of the meds are for things I had nothing to do with, and could not have prevented, but that makes me even madder.

Why? Why does your body begin to BREAK DOWN? Why didn’t I realize, when I was younger and healthier, that I had it all? Why did I take so much for granted? Why didn’t I do more? WHY?

My dear, dear friend has cancer. WHY? Why does this happen? My friend is smart, funny as heck, sharp as a tack and was an incredible mentor to me at one time, and I am so DAMNED MAD that they are sick! !@#$!@#$! CANCER! I hate you! HATE!

I never seem to get ahead. Never. Does anyone else? Do other people ever feel like they have a handle on things? Because I don’t, and I never have. I constantly feel like I’m running behind. The house can never been completely clean all at once, and I hate washing effing clothes, because you never finish that, and the !@#$!@# kitchen dirties up the minute you finish scrubbing it, and why can’t I keep the coffee table clean, and I have too many things taped on the DVR, and I forget to turn in library books, and even worse, forget to pick up books I’ve ordered, and the tank tops I ordered online are too big (all THREE of them), and I hate what I look like so bad that I go out of my way not to look in a mirror. And I hate whining, which is what I’m doing now. Or is it? I mean… I’ve vacillating between abject sadness and being just plain pissy, and surely I have valid reasons to be upset, but my God, all at once? I worry ALL of the time, about everything. We have jobs, thank God, with decent pay, healthcare, a roof over our head, and though I groused about my health, in general, I’m doing fine (the occasional bout of SVT notwithstanding), and my parents seem to be doing OK, but sometimes, when I go to bed, I can’t stop it - the thoughts start, and I start this cycle of imagining every awful thing that can go wrong, and it just escalates from there. By the time I fall asleep, I’m exhausted, mentally. I’m scared of losing my parents, my husband, my dogs, my job, my car, being robbed, being killed, dying of old age, dying of an illness, my friends dying..you name it, and I obsess over it.

God, please fix me.

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