Blue.
I have what Mister and I call the Blues. It’s a polite euphemism (in my usage, anyway) for when I’m feeling horribly anxious or just feeling beat-down with depression. Right now, I can feel myself slipping into ‘Oh-my-God, what am I going to do, I’m such a screw-up, I can’t deal with this’ mode, and I can’t stop it. My heart starts to beat faster, and I begin to obsess about every bad thing that can happen to me.
And.. I’m an idiot for thinking that by writing about it, by getting it all out, that I’d feel better, which I don’t. I have a deadline in 8 days, and I’m scared witless. I can’t fight these people, and they are heartless bastards, every one of them. I hate them with the fire of a thousand hells, and I wish all manner of bad things on them. I wish for horrible things that I can’t write down, but God, do I wish. Probably right along with several million of my fellow citizens. God, help me, but this is my fault, and I wish I could go back in time and make it right, or that I knew what I know now.
God, please give me the right words, and the right knowledge, and let me be calm when I face this person, and please, please let me be OK with whatever is decided. I’m so scared that we’re not going to be OK, and honestly, God, I can’t see myself making it if we’re not OK. I’m not suicidal, as I’ve said before, but I really don’t want to be alert and oriented if things go down the toilet.
That sounds so awful, and I can just see people scouring through every vowel of this incredibly obscure journal and trying to wrench meaning from each phrase, when it just is what it is. I’m upset. I’m depressed. I’m scared as hell. I feel like a great big eff-up, and I feel like I wasted my life, my education and my intellect, and all I have accomplished is to love Mister and be loved by him. (Family doesn’t count. Mine’s awesome, and they were awesome long before I came around, and I don’t make them awesome; they just are.)
Please. Please stop this awful scared feeling. It’s horrible, and I just ONCE, just ONCE would like to BE AT PEACE. Just ONCE! I’d like to just be able to … be still and know that He is God, and just that; nothing else.
I’d like to not worry, and not feel unsafe, and feel OK, for ONCE, because you know, it’s always something. If it’s not money or bills or taxes or retirement or savings, it’s my heart, or my bloodwork, or a 21-day migraine, or multiple doctor visits or cramps that start at my axillae and end at my knees, or it’s my precious, precious dogs who get older every day, and Taz is arthritic, and I’m scared he’s going to die, or it’s Abigail, who’s relapsed so many times, and what if she doesn’t get better next time, because I can’t afford another $1k myelogram and my God, her medicine just gets more and more expensive, and she has to have it, because I’d go without before I’d let her become ill again, and my God, what if I have to make that choice?
….
It’s just everything. I worry, and I’m scared about everything. What if I lose my parents? What if lose my mom? my dad? What if I lose them both? How will I handle that? How will it ever be OK again? My grandmother? Oh my God, what am I going to do without her? And Mister? what if something happens to him? How can I go on without him? And what about when we get old? I’ll be so much worse than I am now.
It’s just one thing after another.
Stop it, mind. Stop.
God, fix me. Please. Really.
Archives
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- May 2008
- August 2007
- May 2007
- December 2006
- March 2006
- February 2006
- January 2006
- December 2005
- June 2004
- April 2004
- March 2004