Doxie Proxy

100 years.

I reached a milestone last month, and I still can’t believe it. When I was young, I thought that when you ‘grew up’, you’d have all the answers, and think and behave always like a ‘grownup’.

Wrong.

Oh, oh, so wrong.

Listening to 100 Years by Five For Fighting (on my sparkly new gorgeous OMG I love it to pieces iPhone).

Spent yesterday morning in the ER with yet another SVT attack. This one was the worst, by far. I awoke with actual pain at the base of my throat, and by the time I got to the ER (10 minutes, because my husband was hauling tush), my entire lower jawbone was throbbing. I was scared to death and crying…the first time I’ve ever done that with this. The Adenosine was painful, as always, and seemed to affect me for longer than it usually does. Last time, they had to go with 2 doses (6mg, then either a 6 or a 12mg the second time). This time, he (doc) went right for the 12mg, and it felt like my world was ending. The nurses were awesome, as always, and the doc was cool. I had issues afterwards with why I wasn’t on BP checks afterward, because it can make my BP tank, but at that point, I was too out of it to ponder this question. I was just glad to be alive. Eff, that scared me.

If a heart attack is anything… anything at all like that, and I’m quite sure it’s 1000 times worse, then that scares me senseless.

I can feel the anxiety starting again. I feel like I could go cry in the shower for a good hour. Why am I doing this to myself?

I’m going to die before my parents. Before my husband. Before my damn cat.

I just know it.

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