Doxie Proxy

Newness

So far, 2010 rocks. I haven’t had to work a single day all year! (Insert raucous, canned laughter following a cymbal crash.)

I want to take better care of myself this year. My recent episode of SVT (two? weeks ago?) sucked in a big way, and I had to have Adenosine twice. It probably feels different to different people, but for me, it HURTS. Like HELL. It feels like something large has landed on my chest and is bearing down, crushing me. My heart doesn’t feel like it’s skittering anymore - it feels like it has stopped, for longer than the nanosecond the drug causes it to. If that’s anything like what an actual heart attack feels like, then dear God… I need to walk the straight and narrow, lest I feel it for real one day.

One day seems to be getting closer and closer. I had a visit to the girly doc today, and will be getting a CA-125 test done soon. Fun. Not necessarily for the reasons one might think, but still.. scary. I need to be cleared of all girly causes for a symptom I am having, thus multiple tests have and will be completed, so that I can go on to my next specialist with my shiny new results showing that the ball is in their court.

Thus far this year I’ve have my teeth cleaned and my bits checked. 2 for 2, I am! Go me in my quest for preventive health care! (Let me try to get my health taken care of before Nobamac@re screws up the entire system.)

Taz has begun to exhibit odd twitching movements. At least, he’s done it twice in front of me, and it weirded me out. I don’t know if it’s a bunny running o’er his grave (shudder), or an actual symptom, but I’m going to see if it continues. Please, Lord.. not another sick animal.

Abigail is having serious issues with her back legs. The tendons have relaxed a great deal, secondary to a long regimen of high-dose steroids, but there’s not much we can do about that right now.

The cat is fine. Fat, particular and persnickety, but fine.

It’s a beautifully clear night, and the stars look like diamonds. The observatory just opened up for viewing, too. Hmm. I may grab Mister for some serious gazing.

Happy New Year! Tah!

40 Questions (plus a few). 2009 version.

1) Was 2009 a good year for you? No.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? Singing 50’s songs with my dad, while riding through the Georgia countryside in his big ol’ pickup truck.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? My phone call with someone I wish very, very bad things upon.

5) Who were you with? I was alone.

6) Where will you be when 2009 ends? At home.

7) Who will you be with when 2009 ends? My wonderful husband.

8. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009? One of them, yes. I have stopped volunteering to help with committees and things of that nature. Don’t ask me to help, and don’t ask me for money, because my days of giving a rat’s red arse are OVER. Sh’naynay, or whatever your idiotic name is, it gave me great pleasure to find that you were as miserable as you made me, and I hope that you get all the joy in life you deserve, and hopefully by people judging you without knowing a damn thing about you.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2009?

• Survive.

10) Did you fall in love in 2009? No, but I stayed in love, which was wonderful.

11) If yes, with whom? The Mister, AKA my husband of many years.

12) If yes, do they know? Hah! He better. As he likes to say, “I have papers!”

13) Are you still in love with them? More, with every single breath.

14) Do you regret it? No

15) Did you break up with anyone in 2009? No

16) Did you make any new friends in 2009? Yes.

17) Who are your favorite new friends? A sweet lady in Georgia.

18) What was your favorite month of 2009? I didn’t have one. They all pretty much sucked.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2009? No

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2009? Georgia.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2009? Yes. B. I can’t believe you’re gone.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Yes, terribly.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009? New Moon

24) What was your favorite song from 2009? Running Away, by Midnight Hour.

25) What was your favorite record from 2009? Soundtrack to Doctor Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

26) Did you see any concerts this year? No.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2009? N/A

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009? No, but I had a few dirty martinis. Nummy.

29) Did you do a lot of (not counting alcohol) drugs in 2008? No, not at all. People who do drugs (including pot) are idiots. I’ve helped put too many of the potheads back together after they smeared themselves along a stretch of highway, and it’s heartbreaking and depressing, and makes me very angry. Too many times, I’ve had to tell a sobbing, hysterical parent or spouse that their beloved family member is dead, or will be needing diaper changes for the rest of their life because of drugs, or have to tag and bag a ridiculously young girl who ought to be home shaving her legs and painting her toenails, and nothing anyone says will ever change my mind. So, yeah. I think they are idiots.

30) Did you hope for something you didn’t get in 2009? Yes, but I’m still hoping. It’ll happen. Or it won’t. Either way, I’ll be fine.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Yes. I snapped at my mom, because I’m an idiot who doesn’t deserve my perfect mother. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? She’s wonderful, and I’m an ass. Grrrr.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2009? Every time I’ve asked about the well-being of certain individuals, it was a lie, because I don’t care, and I never have. I’d rather not hear a word about these folks ever again.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you? It’ll be $300. No, I’m sorry, it’ll be $976. Doh! I meant $410. Oops, my bad, it’s actually $842.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2009? Yes.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2009? Yes, very much so.

36) How much money did you spend in 2009? Enough.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2009? HAH! When the idiot who flew past me and flipped me off was in turn immediately pulled over by a cop.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009? I don’t remember one in particular.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be? I’d take back every time I yelled or was unkind or sarcastic, and I’d HANG UP on the gigantic flaming idiot before the phone call even began, and I’d tell Sh’quaniakita (whatever) to get bent. And…I’d never cry. Ever.

40) What are your plans for 2009? To survive.

(A few questions of my own)

41) What was the nicest thing you were told in 2009? I love you.

42) What was the worst movie you saw in 2009? Bliss. (via Netflix)

43) What was the worst song you heard in 2009? Too many to count. If it’s sung by someone wearing a “grill”, who wears the crotch of their pants betwixt their knees, and doffs a baseball hat so that it stands, erect, 6 inches off of their head, replete with the price tag, chances are very good I think whatever tune they attempted to gargle out was fairly vile. (If you’re playing bluegrass fiddle or screeching/screaming out lyrics, chances are I hate your song, too.)

44) What was the best overall book you read in 2009? Hmm, too many to name. I’ll get back to this.

45) What was the worst book you read in 2009? Deep Storm

46) What was the last book you read in 2009? Currently reading several. Hush, Hush, Masquerade, Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, and several others. Will get back to this. Maybe.

The Call.

I made the call this afternoon, and - after nearly two weeks of preparation, by way of the gathering of over 100 documents, many hours of research, multiple lists, a spreadsheet and countless lost hours of sleep, the conversation lasted less than 10 minutes, during which the employee of this enormous government bureaucracy was more kind, considerate and apologetic than I could have ever hoped for, she helped me finally, finally take the next step toward getting an enormous mess (all of which is my fault) taken care of. She said several times that she was very sorry for the way her company had handled my affairs for the last 6 months, when the records clearly show that I’ve been trying to work my way through this, and got lost in the cracks. God, thank you, because surely You had a hand in this. Thank you for the kind, wonderful, caring, sensitive and funny woman you put in my path today, because she took my hand and led me to a better place.

I think I can sleep now. I think I can take a deep breath without feeling the weight of the world on my chest and shoulders, and I think I can stop worrying that every day will bring a new attack of SVT that I can’t handle, and there will be yet another trip to the ER, and more missed work, and more…panic attacks. Because if I’m honest with myself, I know that’s what they are.

No more. Everything in my life is not perfect, but it’s a damn sight better now, and for that, I am grateful beyond measure.

Thank you, God. I’ve taken the first steps to the way out of this nightmare, and I can finally tell myself that it will actually end, and I can actually put it behind me, and I will never, never, NEVER, NEVER, EVER let this happen again.

To sleep, perchance to dream.

I can actually sleep.

I can breathe.

I can hope.

<3

Blue.

I have what Mister and I call the Blues. It’s a polite euphemism (in my usage, anyway) for when I’m feeling horribly anxious or just feeling beat-down with depression. Right now, I can feel myself slipping into ‘Oh-my-God, what am I going to do, I’m such a screw-up, I can’t deal with this’ mode, and I can’t stop it. My heart starts to beat faster, and I begin to obsess about every bad thing that can happen to me.

And.. I’m an idiot for thinking that by writing about it, by getting it all out, that I’d feel better, which I don’t. I have a deadline in 8 days, and I’m scared witless. I can’t fight these people, and they are heartless bastards, every one of them. I hate them with the fire of a thousand hells, and I wish all manner of bad things on them. I wish for horrible things that I can’t write down, but God, do I wish. Probably right along with several million of my fellow citizens. God, help me, but this is my fault, and I wish I could go back in time and make it right, or that I knew what I know now.

God, please give me the right words, and the right knowledge, and let me be calm when I face this person, and please, please let me be OK with whatever is decided. I’m so scared that we’re not going to be OK, and honestly, God, I can’t see myself making it if we’re not OK. I’m not suicidal, as I’ve said before, but I really don’t want to be alert and oriented if things go down the toilet.

That sounds so awful, and I can just see people scouring through every vowel of this incredibly obscure journal and trying to wrench meaning from each phrase, when it just is what it is. I’m upset. I’m depressed. I’m scared as hell. I feel like a great big eff-up, and I feel like I wasted my life, my education and my intellect, and all I have accomplished is to love Mister and be loved by him. (Family doesn’t count. Mine’s awesome, and they were awesome long before I came around, and I don’t make them awesome; they just are.)

Please. Please stop this awful scared feeling. It’s horrible, and I just ONCE, just ONCE would like to BE AT PEACE. Just ONCE! I’d like to just be able to … be still and know that He is God, and just that; nothing else.

I’d like to not worry, and not feel unsafe, and feel OK, for ONCE, because you know, it’s always something. If it’s not money or bills or taxes or retirement or savings, it’s my heart, or my bloodwork, or a 21-day migraine, or multiple doctor visits or cramps that start at my axillae and end at my knees, or it’s my precious, precious dogs who get older every day, and Taz is arthritic, and I’m scared he’s going to die, or it’s Abigail, who’s relapsed so many times, and what if she doesn’t get better next time, because I can’t afford another $1k myelogram and my God, her medicine just gets more and more expensive, and she has to have it, because I’d go without before I’d let her become ill again, and my God, what if I have to make that choice?

….

It’s just everything. I worry, and I’m scared about everything. What if I lose my parents? What if lose my mom? my dad? What if I lose them both? How will I handle that? How will it ever be OK again? My grandmother? Oh my God, what am I going to do without her? And Mister? what if something happens to him? How can I go on without him? And what about when we get old? I’ll be so much worse than I am now.

It’s just one thing after another.

Stop it, mind. Stop.

God, fix me. Please. Really.

Gratitude is the fairest blossom…

..which springs from the soul. - Henry Ward Beecher

It’s been a long month. More of the same, essentially, but I need to list my blessings if for no other reason than to remind myself of them.

Thank you, God, for my blessings.

• My parents. They are wonderful beyond words, and I am wholly and thoroughly blessed by having them in my life.
• My husband. His faults are few. His strengths are innumerable. How I love this precious, precious man.
• My animals. I love my two little dogs and my sweet, fat cat more than I can say. They’ve brought so much to my life.
• My mind. Thank you for blessing me with a quick wit and the ability to add without using my fingers.
• My job. Thank you for blessing me with the ability to work with wonderful people performing work that can be challenging, and that pushes me to learn new things every day.
• My car, because it gets me where I need to go, and allows me to see my family more often.
• My health insurance. I can’t imagine how I could make it, even a few months, without it.
• My faith. In this day and age, when so many think it is open season on anyone with a smidgen of belief, I am grateful that mine is not shaken. I love you, Lord, and I thank you for being in my life.

===

The problem has reared its monstrous head, once again, and I fear…no, I know, that I can’t keep it at bay this time. It’s time to pay the piper, and he’s apparently very proud of his wares. I don’t know that I can afford this, and I really do mean that. I’m scared. I’m not suicida1, by any means, but I wish I could lay down and sleep for five years, then wake to face the future, because surely the bad stuff would already be over.

I spent an afternoon at an auction. My parents, my grandmother and I had a good time, and I snagged a nice laptop case, replete with wheels (vroom!), and a ridiculously cute pair of kiddie umbrellas for two young cuties I know and ?.

I think I must head back home tomorrow. I’m glad we got to spend the holiday with my family (Mister had to head back early), but I miss the feeling of home. Being at home is like…proprioception. When I’m there, my heart knows I’m where I’m supposed to be, and it feels right. My life moves and flows in relation to the outside world, but I go forward from my origin; my home.

My sweet Abigail is relapsing again, and this time it’s worse. No seizures, but her hind legs are going, and I worry that soon, there will be no further remission. I don’t know what to do. Is this the beginning of her end? I can’t imagine my life without this precious creature. Please, God. Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can fix her. Tell me how I can fix me.

Tags: Abigail, blessings, blues, dogs, family, holidays, pets, thanks

Sad.

I’ve cried twice today, and both times, I told myself it was due to a specific reason (the recent death of my friend, then later over a painful memory), but if I’m honest with myself, it’s been because of a melange of things.

I’m in my thirties, and I feel like a complete failure. The only good thing I have to show for my efforts in life has been to fall in love, and thankfully be loved back by a good man.

My degree is crap compared to what I could have accomplished. I was smart. I could have done so much better..gone so much farther. Or further. Whatever.

Someone I love said something incredibly, unbelievably hurtful a long time ago, and I swear, though it’s always been in the back of my mind, I’ve never truly reacted until tonight. This is YEARS ago. As in 18 years ago, and tonight it broke my heart. Why would they say that? Is that what they truly thought of me? Do they still? Am I that kind of person? I can’t go to this person now and blast them about what was said - I just can’t. Yeah, in a perfect world, I could absolutely march up to them and just let it all out, but when I say I can’t, I mean I will not, because…well, because I won’t.

At work, I agree to help with things that are just way above my head, and I worry constantly, every day, all the time, that I’m going to screw up and someone’s going to find out what an idiot I really am. I’m helping with an enormous project, and am responsible for some detailed documents being created and sent to folks way, way above my paygrade, and I am agonizing over every.single.letter on these docs, and when they are finally, blessedly done (for the week - it is ongoing), I am more thankful than I can begin to express, but I swear I feel like I just barely made it. I worry, and worry, and I dream about this stuff, for God’s sake. I know you can’t spend your life thinking “What if?” - but I DO. All the time. Every single day.

I don’t take care of my health like I should, and I hate it. I know better. I’m trained to know better. I resent every single pill I have to take, and I’m angry every day about it. All but one of the meds are for things I had nothing to do with, and could not have prevented, but that makes me even madder.

Why? Why does your body begin to BREAK DOWN? Why didn’t I realize, when I was younger and healthier, that I had it all? Why did I take so much for granted? Why didn’t I do more? WHY?

My dear, dear friend has cancer. WHY? Why does this happen? My friend is smart, funny as heck, sharp as a tack and was an incredible mentor to me at one time, and I am so DAMNED MAD that they are sick! !@#$!@#$! CANCER! I hate you! HATE!

I never seem to get ahead. Never. Does anyone else? Do other people ever feel like they have a handle on things? Because I don’t, and I never have. I constantly feel like I’m running behind. The house can never been completely clean all at once, and I hate washing effing clothes, because you never finish that, and the !@#$!@# kitchen dirties up the minute you finish scrubbing it, and why can’t I keep the coffee table clean, and I have too many things taped on the DVR, and I forget to turn in library books, and even worse, forget to pick up books I’ve ordered, and the tank tops I ordered online are too big (all THREE of them), and I hate what I look like so bad that I go out of my way not to look in a mirror. And I hate whining, which is what I’m doing now. Or is it? I mean… I’ve vacillating between abject sadness and being just plain pissy, and surely I have valid reasons to be upset, but my God, all at once? I worry ALL of the time, about everything. We have jobs, thank God, with decent pay, healthcare, a roof over our head, and though I groused about my health, in general, I’m doing fine (the occasional bout of SVT notwithstanding), and my parents seem to be doing OK, but sometimes, when I go to bed, I can’t stop it - the thoughts start, and I start this cycle of imagining every awful thing that can go wrong, and it just escalates from there. By the time I fall asleep, I’m exhausted, mentally. I’m scared of losing my parents, my husband, my dogs, my job, my car, being robbed, being killed, dying of old age, dying of an illness, my friends dying..you name it, and I obsess over it.

God, please fix me.

Maybe

Maybe sums up a lot of what I am feeling these days. I am at the very beginning of the 4th and what I hope is the last try to get an awful situation settled, and am praying that this time, all parties can deal with what’s been agreed, and we can both go about our business. Sounds like a divorce, no? No, it’s not, but hopefully I’m divorcing myself from the worry, dread, disgust and sleepless nights this situation has caused me.

Nobama won the peace prize. Idiots. What a revolting and completely uninspired choice.

I’m watching the last few DVDs of House and Desperate Housewives (both Season 5). It’s strange how much I like those shows. Grows on you, eh?

I received a friend’s request from someone I haven’t spoken with in nearly 2 decades today. They appear to be doing fine, and I’m happy for that. Life is so different now.

We need to win the lottery, and soon. How am I to buy Mister the helicopter he’s always wanted, if there aren’t piles of cash laying around?

On that ridiculous note, I’m off to bed. Very tired. Sleep study tomorrow. Oh, joy. To Apnea, or Not To Apnea. That is the !@#!@##!@ question of the day.

Loss.

My friend died a few days ago. She was sweet and kind and good, and I can’t imagine this world without her.

I miss you, B.

Everyone says she took her own life by overdosing, but I just don’t understand. I know she had a history of depression, and will never, ever blame her for choosing that end, if she did in fact go that route. I know depression can black out every other person and choice in your life, and make you feel as if there’s only one way through the pain.

God, B.

Damn it, here come the tears again.

Honey, I can still see your face the last time I saw you. It was only two weeks ago. Your expression was so sweet and open, and like always, you seemed genuinely concerned about me and Mister. You even asked about Abigail.

How… why..? I can’t even..I don’t know what to ask or what to think. How can you not be in this world anymore? Where are you?

How come there are so many vile, hateful, horrible, vicious people walking about out there, but you, who has been nothing but precious in the five years I’ve known you, are not? How can that be right? How can that be…at all?

I miss you, B. It’s not right. It’s just not right.

I will never forget your soft, sing-song voice, or the way you kept your temper and showed patience with some of the persons you had to deal with.

This is not coming out right, but all I know is that I miss you so much, and I hope you know that. I love you, girlfriend, and I would give much just to hug you one more time.

You and Crystal keep the peace up there, OK?

Love you. Miss you.

This picture makes me smile.

Labor Day

I can’t even make a joke at how un-funny the title of this post is. Just going to let it pass.

Visiting my wonderful, wonderful parents for a few days. God, I’ve missed them so much. Between the transmission fiasco and the general economic state of affairs, I don’t think I’ve seen them in 6 months. For me, that’s a lifetime. I said something about this to an acquaintance the other day, and they replied “I haven’t seen my father in 4 years.” You know what? That’s not my problem, Poindexter, and I -hate- people who do things like this. You say something, and they just have to one-up you. Thankfully, I tend to call people on it very quickly. If I say I have an issue, and they reply with “Well, just be glad you don’t have…..[insert dorky comment about their head popping off their neck and rolling down the @#$!@# hill.]” (Aside: I have no idea how to punctuate the end of the prior sentence.) I tend to turn to these people and be very pointed about how their issue or history of Serious_Ailment_01 doesn’t change a dang thing about my situation, and that their pain doesn’t make my pain any less.

I’m in such a pissy mood, and yes, I admit it. Right now, I own the heck out of it, and am only feeling a little bad about flinging the ridiculous ‘eff’ words. (Edit: changed ‘eff’ words to something less ‘eff-y’, but which gets my point across. I know, I know. Who cares? I do.) Trust that I am thinking and saying the real deal, but would like to… ‘appear’… (insert raucous belly-laughs) more ladylike. Yar. Right.

I’m heading back home tomorrow - back to the wonderful and lovely dogs, the petulant cat and my dear husband, whom I miss more than I can say. It was his choice to stay home whilst I visited, but still, I miss him much. (Oi. Did I just channel Miss Jackson, c. 1989? Why, yes! Yes, I did!)

Things that have made me happy during my visit:

• Watching my mom and dad fawn over their Yorkie. He’s a character, and he makes them very happy.
• Hearing the rumble of thunder and rain while shopping for veggies at Kroger. I love the sound effects that play when they mist the vegetables.
• Watching a small child point and smack-talk the animated Halloween statue at BJ’s. It was honest-to-goodness little kid smacktalk, not punk-thug-wanna-be talk. Very amusing.
• Filming my dad setting up the grill and cooking our steaks, so I could do it exactly like he does.
• Logging in to WoW and finding that the idiot I reported had to change his guild name. (It was “S@pped Girls Cant Say N0″, which is equivalent to snickering about date r@pe. If you play the game, you get it. If you don’t, well, you don’t. I don’t find abuse or violation of any kind, to any person, funny.
• Just spending time with my mom and dad. They are perfect for me, and I know they are a gift from God.
• Seeing on the news that many parents did not want their children to be forced to watch BHO’s school address. Hah!
• Picking up a slab-o-brie at BJ’s, on manager special for $1.99, then going back today to find it priced at $6.49. Nummy!
• Reading through The Tightwad Gazette I, II and III books. Very interesting.
• Giving my mom a pedicure, and inadvertently tickling her.
• Watching Ghost Whisperer with my dad, and having a discussion about ghosts. He’s such a card. I love him!
• Cooking breakfast with my mom. She’s the best, ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ad infinitum.

Sigh. I must needs drive home tomorrow (today). I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be gone, but it’s worth a long drive in order to see my dear ones.

Reactivated Facebook. I’m not going to stop being happy for others, even though I’m unhappy for myself. Man, that’s easier said that done, but I’m determined.