Doxie Proxy

Gratitude is the fairest blossom…

..which springs from the soul. - Henry Ward Beecher

It’s been a long month. More of the same, essentially, but I need to list my blessings if for no other reason than to remind myself of them.

Thank you, God, for my blessings.

• My parents. They are wonderful beyond words, and I am wholly and thoroughly blessed by having them in my life.
• My husband. His faults are few. His strengths are innumerable. How I love this precious, precious man.
• My animals. I love my two little dogs and my sweet, fat cat more than I can say. They’ve brought so much to my life.
• My mind. Thank you for blessing me with a quick wit and the ability to add without using my fingers.
• My job. Thank you for blessing me with the ability to work with wonderful people performing work that can be challenging, and that pushes me to learn new things every day.
• My car, because it gets me where I need to go, and allows me to see my family more often.
• My health insurance. I can’t imagine how I could make it, even a few months, without it.
• My faith. In this day and age, when so many think it is open season on anyone with a smidgen of belief, I am grateful that mine is not shaken. I love you, Lord, and I thank you for being in my life.

===

The problem has reared its monstrous head, once again, and I fear…no, I know, that I can’t keep it at bay this time. It’s time to pay the piper, and he’s apparently very proud of his wares. I don’t know that I can afford this, and I really do mean that. I’m scared. I’m not suicida1, by any means, but I wish I could lay down and sleep for five years, then wake to face the future, because surely the bad stuff would already be over.

I spent an afternoon at an auction. My parents, my grandmother and I had a good time, and I snagged a nice laptop case, replete with wheels (vroom!), and a ridiculously cute pair of kiddie umbrellas for two young cuties I know and ?.

I think I must head back home tomorrow. I’m glad we got to spend the holiday with my family (Mister had to head back early), but I miss the feeling of home. Being at home is like…proprioception. When I’m there, my heart knows I’m where I’m supposed to be, and it feels right. My life moves and flows in relation to the outside world, but I go forward from my origin; my home.

My sweet Abigail is relapsing again, and this time it’s worse. No seizures, but her hind legs are going, and I worry that soon, there will be no further remission. I don’t know what to do. Is this the beginning of her end? I can’t imagine my life without this precious creature. Please, God. Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can fix her. Tell me how I can fix me.

Tags: Abigail, blessings, blues, dogs, family, holidays, pets, thanks

Laughter

It’s been a long, long time since I laughed til I couldn’t breathe, but while watching  Paul Blart: Mall Cop, I did just that. As my dear friend K. would say, it was Hi-LAR-ious! Kevin James has the most versatile face, and the expressions he makes are hysterical. It was a cute, feel-good movie, and I walked away smiling and entertained. Mister and I don’t expect every film to educate us about life, or be an academy award winner; we just want to be entertained. We were, and that’s what matters to me.

We wanted to go see something that would take our minds off the present dilemma:

Abigail has relapsed again, we think. Her back legs are becoming wobbly, for lack of a more sophisticated term. Upping her dosage has usually corrected the problem fairly quickly, and we’re then able to taper her back down. The vet, while I don’t want to say he insisted, felt strongly that she needed to see the surgeon again, and probably have another myelogram. I was really against this, for a variety of reasons to be detailed later, but in the end, I know that I’m not the one with the knowledge and experience regarding my beloved dog’s illness, and I went with what he suggested.

She had her myelogram this morning, and it was clean. Normal. Fine, as in the CSF looks clear, and her spine is fine. So.. I just put my poor dog through a painful and invasive procedure for nothing. OK, not for nothing - at least now we know that her symptoms are related either to her illness or the treatment. But… still. I’m up at 0432 in the freaking morning because they wanted to keep her overnight for observation after the test, and I can’t stand the thought that she’s not here with me, in the bed, snuggled up beside me. I’ve damn near dehydrated myself with bouts of tears, and I would give much just to be there with her, or to have her here with me. Yes, I know the reality and facts of the situation. Yes, I know I’m being an emotional, rambling, irritating family member. I just can’t stop worrying that she’s not sleeping, because I forgot to bring a blanket or something that smells like home, and are they checking on her frequently enough, or is she hurting, and my God, I’ve got to stop this, because here we go again with the tears.

The surgery center she’s at is clean and professional, and the people there have never, ever been anything but kind. I know this. My rational half knows this.

Please just let the time pass. I can pick her up in 4 hours, and bring my sweet baby home - after I pay the $1200 for the test, the CSF send-off, the consult and the overnight fee. TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! And she went through needles and dye! In her spine! So we could see that it’s completely unchanged from the one she had 1 year ago!

Ranting again…must stop.

I know, emotionally, intellectually, and professionally, that a test or procedure with a negative finding can have just as much diagnostic importance as one with a positive finding. I know that the outcome of this test - the fact that she has no spinal issues - is important to know at this time, in that it affects her treatment regime. If it was a spine issue, then the GME meds would change, and visa versa. I know this. Her ataxia could be due to prolonged steroid treatment, as this can cause relaxation of the tendons/ligaments. At least, I think that’s what can happen. I’m tired and upset, and am running on fumes at the moment. I’ll verify my thinking later. Verify…clarify. Something like that.

I just want her home. It feels like a part of me is missing. How cliche. How true.

Praying, and counting the minutes. A post entitled “Laughter” that is mainly about sadness. Sheesh!

Tags: Abigail, GME, movies

A good day

I jumped out of bed this morning, frantic because I’d forgotten to pick up the refill for Abigail’s prednisone. Gack. Thankfully, the Walgreens is less than 5 minutes away, so - problem solved. She was soon happily downing her meds with a tad of peanut butter. (Her internal med vet said to give her meds with something with some fat in it, hence the peanut butter.) It’s just a little, but enough to keep her happy. Then again, IMO, it’s easy to keep a dachshund happy. They are such lovable, adorable creatures. Yes, I know there are ones that are grumpy and downright mean, but this is my 7th dachshund (1st one of my own; others I grew up with), and they’ve all been downright precious. Funny, dorky, inquisitive, brave and stubborn.

Abigail 08-11-08

We spent a good chunk of change on the pets today. $18 for cat food (high-protein, low carb, because her butt is the size of a tank), $25 for dog food (high-fiber, low fat, because Abigail’s been on steroids for a year now, and they pork you out), cat litter, and a cyclosporine refill (Abigail). CVS changed the company they get the cyclosporine from, and her small capsules are now these gigantic gelcaps. I wasn’t impressed at all, especially after seeing that the price went UP ($48 for 2 weeks worth), -and- they’re manufactured in Canada. Prescription drugs are cheaper in Canada, no? The pharmacist kindly offered to get the old kind of capsule the next time we get a refill, which mollified me greatly. Abi-girl has enough problems to deal with, and she does so with flawless grace. I just want to make everything as easy and comfortable as I can. GME sucks. I hate the very thought of it, and I know it’s fatal, but I’m going to love and enjoy every moment I have with my darling Abigail.

Snagged Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse (Stephenie Meyer) and I am Legend on my iPod tonight. Yay for audio books at work!

Tags: Abigail, GME, iPod

*sigh*

Welllll, heck. I apparently suck at the daily journaling bit. Even if it is for me to remember the mundane moments of my life, I suppose I should make more of an effort.What’s happened recently:

• We just got back from GenCon, in Indianapolis. We’ve been attending since 2000, and I daresay this year just plain stunk. Definitely the worst con in all the ones we’ve gone to. Thanks, GC, for no LAN to speak of (eGaming? pfffft), other than the piece-of-crap one that closed when the dealer hall did. RAS wasn’t there this year, either. I don’t blame him, of course, but it was disappointing. The media guests weren’t all that, either. Who cares about the dorks on Who Wants to Be a Superhero? Stan Lee should be slapped repeatedly for putting yet another idiotic, brain-cell-sucking, screwed-up up reality show on TV. Feedback, and Fat Momma, and a couple of others - and get this! 10 dollars! Those folks wanted TEN dollars for an autograph! (OK, from what I saw, they were great with the kids, and FM was supposedly great in person, but still.. in the last few years, GC’s had stars on par with what you see in Dragon*Con. This was just a HUGE letdown.) On a nicer note, it was truly delightful to meet Hayden Panettiere, and to get her (free) autograph, and grab a couple of pics with her. That kid is gorgeous, y’all. She was every bit as beautiful as she looks on TV, and just as sweet as can be.
  
• Before we made it home from Indy, we found out (from my folks, who were watching the dogs for us), that my precious pup has hurt her back and neck again (long-spined dogs are prone to this), and we have gone through 2 vet visits, and have all kinds of medications for her. She’s currently doped up on a mild muscle relaxant and a pain med, and is laying, rather stoned, on her little dog bed. I wish beyond words that it were me hurting instead of her. Thankfully, the vet said she won’t have to have surgery just yet, but that it is a possibility in the future.
• We were supposed to be moving in to our new house this week, but the (insert very, very nasty words) who are selling it neglected to mention that it was being foreclosed on, and that they can’t afford what they are contractually obligated to bring to closing. So! My entire  house is nearly packed up, and we said we’d be out of this place by the end of August, and guess what? Nowhere to live! I’m so excited, I just can’t stand it. Stay tuned, Sparky.
  
• Someone who irritates the living heck out of me, and who happens to own the abode I currently reside in, is no longer employed, and has decided to sell this house. It’s their house, and their decision completely, but now they are packing up all their crap, that’s still in the house, at the same time that we’re trying to pack up all of our crap, and I’m spending the majority of every week with this wretch. Did I mention that they are moving back in? Yes, I’m feeling pissy right now. Negativity is oozing off me in visible black waves, my friend. Oozing, indeed. The sooner I see the last of this !@#$#$$ irritant, the better. I’m positive they feel the same about me, but I could give a flying fsck.
  
• I started typing fsck instead of the actual word about 10 years ago. Yes, it’s my favorite curse word. It’s just more natural for me to type fsck instead of the other, so that’s how I roll. I hate that it’s my favorite curse word, and I try not to use it, but sometimes, it just fits.
  
• I’m currently hating my job, due to a change in management. I adore - yes, adore - the people I work with, but our management is now in a different state, many hours away, and they are the most micromanaging sons-of-guns you can possibly imagine. Grrrrr! I had a fantastic, wonderfully perfect set of management folks! This sucks! (Step out of the way of the rolling black cloud, I tell ya. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.)
• I’m an only child, and my greatest fears are losing my parents, my pets, and my husband. I’m petrified of getting ‘the call’, and sometimes I am overwhelmed, near to the point of hysteria, at the thought of losing them. I find myself just sobbing, as if I’d already lost them. I’m already mourning them. This can’t be normal, can it? I’m terrified of not having them in my life anymore, and the thought of losing them just devastates me.
  
• It’s so freaking hot and humid here. 107 °F is NOT normal, y’all! This has got to end!

OK.. that didn’t help at all. Let me list a few positive things:

• My dog most likely doesn’t need surgery, and I feel much better that she’s on good medication, and under the care of a veterinarian I trust. It’s not at all that I didn’t trust my parent’s vet, it’s just that I know my vet, and they’ve taken excellent care of my pets.
• My parents are happy, and for the most part, healthy.
• I have a job, even if I don’t like it. I have excellent benefits, and bring in a good salary, doing something I am good at. I am routinely recognized by management as producing “stellar” work. (I have them fooled. Really.)
  
• My husband is my best friend in the world, and I love him more than breath itself.
  
• I have excellent friends at work. They are my treasures.
  
• I know we’ll get through the ‘crap’ of this month. In the end, we’ll be in a new place, away from the person I really, truly need to get away from, if I have any chance of wanting to salvage a relationship with them in the future.
  
• At GenCon, I won a beta slot for WarHammer Online! Go me! Go me!
• It’s hot as all hell, but I have a lots of fans, and some serious AC in the car. w00t.
• Did I mention that my husband is the shiznit? He really is. Plus, he’s got an awesome behind.

Whew. I do feel better. Sort of. Maybe better is not the word, but I do feel emptied of all the frustration.

Tags: Abigail, conventions, GenCon, moving, rants