Doxie Proxy

Same

I’ve just come back from several days with family in another state. The “hearthstone” of my life, I suppose you could call it. Someone I love is ill. She’s been sick off and on for a long time, and it’s exacerbated some traits I hadn’t really given much thought to before.

I started to write about all she’s done for me, but suffice it to say she’s been there for me, a lot. My grown-up self can now look back and say I’ve been there for her a lot, too, and as of this week, we’re even. Maybe forever.

My mother hugged her and cried, asking forgiveness for something every single one of us agree she should have and HAD to do, and this particular relative didn’t so much as twitch. My mother. Cried. And this… God, how I pause at this point. Do I say angry? Bitter? Hateful? When at the same time, my heart tells me she’s a loving person, and I know this because her life has been about helping wounded people. Nonetheless, she didn’t acknowledge how much pain my mother was in, and how she was practically begging for forgiveness over this imagined sin, and that, to coin a Southern phrase, just FLEW ALL OVER ME. (I don’t care where the phrase originated from; the South’s where I grew up hearing it.)

My mom stepped out of the room and I let loose with both barrels. God, I was so furious that I was shaking, and I could feel the flushing starting on my chest and going all the way up to my temples. I blasted her with this great righteous indignation, full of thunder that my beloved mom had been hurt.

I spent the night tossing and turning. At 3am I was looking at the clock, saying “God, what did I do? What did I do? How could I say that?” I haven’t seen her since, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. A big part of me says that I’m done, completely. She’s been hateful and horrible and bitter and beyond the most nightmarish of people that you could ever want to be around, and right now I feel like a gigantic ass, because I could have been more compassionate. Damn it. I could never, ever hate her, and will always love her, but right now.. I don’t think we like each other very much.

(Note to self: No, really, jackass?)

There’s no contest between my mother and any other female in this world. None. I love her with every fiber of my being, and will do everything I can to protect her from harm. I am so blessed. So very blessed.

It will probably not last long, but there is a tiny spark of hope within me.

I am 5 days late.

Please, God. Please.

Tags: family, vacation

Gratitude is the fairest blossom…

..which springs from the soul. - Henry Ward Beecher

It’s been a long month. More of the same, essentially, but I need to list my blessings if for no other reason than to remind myself of them.

Thank you, God, for my blessings.

• My parents. They are wonderful beyond words, and I am wholly and thoroughly blessed by having them in my life.
• My husband. His faults are few. His strengths are innumerable. How I love this precious, precious man.
• My animals. I love my two little dogs and my sweet, fat cat more than I can say. They’ve brought so much to my life.
• My mind. Thank you for blessing me with a quick wit and the ability to add without using my fingers.
• My job. Thank you for blessing me with the ability to work with wonderful people performing work that can be challenging, and that pushes me to learn new things every day.
• My car, because it gets me where I need to go, and allows me to see my family more often.
• My health insurance. I can’t imagine how I could make it, even a few months, without it.
• My faith. In this day and age, when so many think it is open season on anyone with a smidgen of belief, I am grateful that mine is not shaken. I love you, Lord, and I thank you for being in my life.

===

The problem has reared its monstrous head, once again, and I fear…no, I know, that I can’t keep it at bay this time. It’s time to pay the piper, and he’s apparently very proud of his wares. I don’t know that I can afford this, and I really do mean that. I’m scared. I’m not suicida1, by any means, but I wish I could lay down and sleep for five years, then wake to face the future, because surely the bad stuff would already be over.

I spent an afternoon at an auction. My parents, my grandmother and I had a good time, and I snagged a nice laptop case, replete with wheels (vroom!), and a ridiculously cute pair of kiddie umbrellas for two young cuties I know and ?.

I think I must head back home tomorrow. I’m glad we got to spend the holiday with my family (Mister had to head back early), but I miss the feeling of home. Being at home is like…proprioception. When I’m there, my heart knows I’m where I’m supposed to be, and it feels right. My life moves and flows in relation to the outside world, but I go forward from my origin; my home.

My sweet Abigail is relapsing again, and this time it’s worse. No seizures, but her hind legs are going, and I worry that soon, there will be no further remission. I don’t know what to do. Is this the beginning of her end? I can’t imagine my life without this precious creature. Please, God. Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can fix her. Tell me how I can fix me.

Tags: Abigail, blessings, blues, dogs, family, holidays, pets, thanks