Doxie Proxy

Same

I’ve just come back from several days with family in another state. The “hearthstone” of my life, I suppose you could call it. Someone I love is ill. She’s been sick off and on for a long time, and it’s exacerbated some traits I hadn’t really given much thought to before.

I started to write about all she’s done for me, but suffice it to say she’s been there for me, a lot. My grown-up self can now look back and say I’ve been there for her a lot, too, and as of this week, we’re even. Maybe forever.

My mother hugged her and cried, asking forgiveness for something every single one of us agree she should have and HAD to do, and this particular relative didn’t so much as twitch. My mother. Cried. And this… God, how I pause at this point. Do I say angry? Bitter? Hateful? When at the same time, my heart tells me she’s a loving person, and I know this because her life has been about helping wounded people. Nonetheless, she didn’t acknowledge how much pain my mother was in, and how she was practically begging for forgiveness over this imagined sin, and that, to coin a Southern phrase, just FLEW ALL OVER ME. (I don’t care where the phrase originated from; the South’s where I grew up hearing it.)

My mom stepped out of the room and I let loose with both barrels. God, I was so furious that I was shaking, and I could feel the flushing starting on my chest and going all the way up to my temples. I blasted her with this great righteous indignation, full of thunder that my beloved mom had been hurt.

I spent the night tossing and turning. At 3am I was looking at the clock, saying “God, what did I do? What did I do? How could I say that?” I haven’t seen her since, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. A big part of me says that I’m done, completely. She’s been hateful and horrible and bitter and beyond the most nightmarish of people that you could ever want to be around, and right now I feel like a gigantic ass, because I could have been more compassionate. Damn it. I could never, ever hate her, and will always love her, but right now.. I don’t think we like each other very much.

(Note to self: No, really, jackass?)

There’s no contest between my mother and any other female in this world. None. I love her with every fiber of my being, and will do everything I can to protect her from harm. I am so blessed. So very blessed.

It will probably not last long, but there is a tiny spark of hope within me.

I am 5 days late.

Please, God. Please.

Tags: family, vacation

Dragons and Cardinals

Ah, the blissful frenzy of vacation.

We arrived in Atlanta (right outside, actually) yesterday, and enjoyed a quiet, enjoyable night with loved ones. I love the South, with all of its manners, Godawful humidity and moseying madness.

This afternoon, we headed to Atlanta proper to pick up our convention badges. The line stretched around three sides of the Hyatt, and it was delightful to see so many different kinds of people coming together in the common love of Geekdom. I loved it! The line moved forward at a relatively steady clip, and about and hour and a half later, we had our shiny new Dragon*Con badges, Pocket Program and Guidebook.

The best part? The guidebook has an excerpt from the beginning of Swallowing Darkness, the new Laurell K. Hamilton book in her wonderful Merry Gentry series. I. Can’t. Wait!  I was practically dancing in my seat on the way home, and kept shushing Mister so I could read in peace. It’s going to be a great book, and I can’t believe I am actually going to meet her! Or see her, whatever! I’m going to be in the same room with Laurell K. Hamilton!

<insert squeal of pure joy>

I could go on and on in the same vein (Vampire pun!) about Rachel Caine and Jackie Kessler, because I’m disgustingly thrilled to be getting to see them, as well. I can’t wait. Have I mentioned that I can’t wait?

Back at the house, I watched the sun set, and walked through dew-laden, freshly cut grass. It was magic. A stone cardinal stood watch over a tiny moat, and all was right with the world.

Dusk in Georgia

Tags: Dragon*Con, photos, vacation